iNever Meant to Leave You
by DracoGinny5ever
Summary: Years after his wife's tragic death, Colonel Steven Shay writes a letter explaining his absence. Justifying his grief. And, most importantly, asking forgiveness from his son. One shot.


A/N: iCarly is the property of Dan Schneider.

This story takes place shortly before the scene in iGoodbye when Colonel Shay flies down to Seattle and makes his first ever appearance on iCarly.

iNever Meant to Leave You

From the desk of:

Colonel Steven Shay

US Air Force Base

Anchorage, Alaska

Dear Spencer,

It has been almost five years since I left Carly in your care. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you both. Carly, my little girl, my little princess. Her sweet smile keeps me sane when something darker than depression tries to pull me down. How grown up she must be now. Eighteen years old. Almost out of high school. Practically an adult.

And I've missed all of it.

I've missed you too, Spence. I really have. Your quirky ways. Your eccentric talent and brilliant art. I'm sure you're putting all your creativity to good use in Law school.

Don't worry. I know you too well to think you'd still be in Law school by now. Your grandfather sent me a clipping from the Seattle Times that had one of your sculptures featured in it. I'm sure you didn't tell me because you thought I'd be disappointed.

In truth, I couldn't have been more proud.

Pleased as I am, though, that's not the reason that I am writing you today. I should have flown down to Seattle. I should have at least called. But I can't.

How pathetic. That a man who has faced the countless horrors of war without blinking an eye could be such a coward in his own personal life.

But this...This is the one burden in my life that I have never been able to bear.

When your mother died, I didn't know what to make of my existence anymore. Her death had been so sudden. So unexpected. The doctors found the cancer so late, so long after it had already spread that there was nothing that could be done. I couldn't save her. In three short weeks, I went from having everything I could ever want. A career. Two great kids. The woman I loved more than anything in this world. I became a shell of a man broken by an enormous void that I had no idea how to fill.

I thought maybe I would stay home with you and Carly for a while. Help you try to adjust. Take some time off from work and focus solely on the raising of my kids.

I look back now on that short time we spent together mourning as a family. Just me, you and Carly. Despite the devastating heartache, I found many spots of brightness that only the company of you and your sister could have afforded me. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I wanted, so desperately, to be brave for you and your sister. I wanted to be there for you. But it was overwhelming. It was too much. Every time I looked into Carly's eyes, every time I heard her laugh or snuck a glance at her face, I drowned in the memory of your mother. It was almost painful. It was almost too much for me to be near her.

To this day, I see the spirit of your mother in Carly.

Even in you, Spencer.

And so, haunted as I was by the ghost of that much beloved creature that I could never hold again, I turned away from the life I had once known. Turned away from the family I had built with your mother in Seattle. Turned away from my own children.

I threw myself into my career, earning promotion after promotion in record time. I became a senior officer in the military in less than five years. I thought that maybe, maybe if I worked hard enough, I could make up some small part of what I had lost. That if I could occupy myself with my career, I wouldn't have to drown in the misery of grief.

I put a lock on my emotions. I became ruthless. Cold. Distant. World renown as an efficient, exceptional colonel. But nothing more.

It was a hollow victory.

Spencer, I've grown older in these five years than I could have ever thought possible. I've drifted away from the children I should have held closer than anything as this tragedy unraveled. And I am tremendously sorry.

Despite all this, despite the horrible father I have been to you and Carly since the day I lost your mother, I still have hope. I can't make up for my mistakes, nor can I begin to atone for my inexcusable absence. But I know it's not too late to try and make things better for our future.

And so, humbly, I ask for you to share this hope with me. Not only that, I ask your forgiveness. I never meant to leave you. I never meant to place this horrible burden of loneliness and responsibility on you without the slightest offer of assistance or gratitude. I, like you, had a much different idea of what our family would be like before your mother died. But life dealt us a tragic blow that, unlike your father, you and your sister handled admirably.

I'm so proud of you, Spencer. So, unbelievably proud to have you as a son. And so grateful for the extraordinary life you gave to my daughter.

I'm sorry, Spencer. I'm sorry and I can't say it enough. Whatever happens, wherever place we may find ourselves, I want you to know how much I love you. And I'm going to make things right.

Your father

Steven Shay

A/N: And then, after all that time, he finally makes his way to Seattle for iGoodbye. I always imagined that Spencer and Carly's mom had died tragically, and that their father had thrown himself into work as an effort to deal with his overwhelming grief. I think that the thought of his kids kept him going and kept some small part alive beneath the icy exterior he developed after his wife's death. After so many years have passed, maybe the thought of seeing his kids overpowered the pain over his dead wife. And maybe now, he can start to make up for all the time he has missed out on.


End file.
